I love this time of year, spring is in the air, the birds are chirping, The Mets are still over .500, and Beehive Kickball is back! And along with that, as promised, I’m bring back, by popular demand, the Kickball Power Rankings! Like the inevitable march to another Lebron Championship, I will be ranking teams by completely arbitrary metrics that only make sense in my head all season, so if you’ve got a problem, I’d love to hear it. This may be as controversial as a Donald Sterling tape. For week 1, I’m going famous quote style. Enjoy!
1. Highly Questionable 1-0
“Don’t ever underestimate the heart of a champion!” –Rudy Tomjanovich, coach Houston Rockets
That says it all.
2. Sons of Pitches 1-0
“Awesome! Totally awesome! All right Hamilton!” –Jeff Spicoli, Fast Times At Ridgemont High
I could only think of one quote to sum up that win.
3. Balls Deep 1-0
“Surely you can’t be serious?! I am serious… and don’t call me Shirley.” –Lesley Neilson, Airplane
Super Social last year, and a week 1 win in the big leagues.
4. Pitches Be Crazy 1-0
“I wake up in the morning, and I piss excellence.” –Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.
This hits their team attitude on the head.
5. Hold My Beer, Watch This 1-0
“You’re so money and you don’t even know it.” –Trent, Swingers
That one is for you Bayley. Great catch out there, it was like watching Willie Mays.
6. The Degenerates 1-0
“That’s what I love about these highschool girls, man. I keep getting older, they stay the same age.” –Oscar winner Matthew McConaughey, Dazed and Confused
They never change, they just keep winning.
7. The Bunt Cakes 1-0
“We’re on a mission from God.” –Dan Aykroyd, The Blues Brothers
After dominating dodgeball once again, they’re coming for kickball.
8. The Region of Doom 1-0
“Guns for show. Knives for a pros.” Soap, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
It was nothing short of a professional win for Region of doom. Let’s see what else they got.
9. Where My Pitches At? 1-0
“I’ll have what she’s having.” –Older Woman Customer, When Harry Met Sally
It was a truly orgasmic relief when the horn blew.
10. UnCIVILized 1-0
“Bratwurst? Aren’t we the optimist.” Ms. Perky, 10 Things I Hate About You
They’ve got all the cockiness in the world, let’s see if they can back it up.
11. Pitches & Throws 1-0
“Somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this night.” –Seth Macfarlane (voice), Ted
The only team that might be more fun than a fivesome.
12. The Respectaballs 1-0
“Goonies never say die!” –Mikey, The Gonnies
A classic grind it out win. All props to you.
13. Ballsagna 0-1
“Don’t rush into cinco, start with dos.” The Most Interesting Man in the World on Cinco de Mayo, Dos Equis commercial
You’ve gotta crawl before you can walk guys.
14. 187 On A Undercover Cop 0-1
“Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.” –Chris Farley, Tommy Boy
It just didn’t fit this week, but I have no doubt they’ll bounce back.
15. FBGM 0-1
“I’m in a glass case of emotion!” –Ron Burgundy, Anchorman
A loss to a long-time rival will do that to you.
16. Drunk Again and Looking to Score 0-1
“Always remember, Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.” –Shug Jordan, Coach, Auburn
A quote that appeals to my love of gambling and underdogs, sounds perfect for this team. Great name as well. You guys win the best name of the season unofficial championship I arbitrarily give out each year.
17. Alcoballics 0-1
“We have more ability than will power, and it is often an excuse to ourselves that we imagine that things are impossible.” Francois de la rochefoucauld
Now that’s a deep one. Believe in yourselves!
18. Bunt Kickers 0-1
“Excuses are the bricks that build the house of failure.” Jared Accettura (yeah, my kid brother), paraphrasing Don Wilder
You’re in the big leagues now guys, time to step up. I have all the faith in the world in you.
19. Pitch Slap 0-1
“A man can fail many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame someone else.” John Burroughs
I tried to turn the loss on its head. Did it work?
20. Booze On First 0-1
“Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘em” –MC Hammer, Third Studio Album
Never rely on the kindness of others in kickball.
21. Rubber Balls and Liquor 0-1
“Don’t let the haters stop you from doing your thang.” –Kevin Gnapoor, Mean Girls
I believe in you guys, so don’t let me down. Just be yourselves.
22. Running with Scissors 0-1
“Just once, I want my life to be like an 80’s movie.” –Emma Stone, Easy A
Hang in there, guys. It gets better.
23. Ermagerd Kerkball! 0-1
“Disturbing the peace?! I got thrown out of a window! What’s the fucking charge for getting thrown out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking?!” –Eddie Murphy, Beverly Hills Cop
He bounced back after picking up a transvestite hooker, I believe you can too.
24. Trippin Balls 0-1
“Milk was a bad choice.” –Ron Burgundy, Anchorman
It was a rough start for “Trippin’ Over Balls”… see what I did there?