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Another kickball season is almost in the books. Thanks for everyone that came out last night to Lucky 13 to accept their awards. Here are the people and teams that took home trophies, VHS tapes, and other random prizes.
Joe Paterno Memorial Coach of the year – Coach who led a great squad that he may or may not have covered up crimes for
Kristina Grimm, Booze on First
Carly Rae Jepson Fresh Face Award – New member of the league who exhibits our founding values: fun, community, competition
Stacy Gray, Salt Lakers;
The Miley Cyrus Giraffe Face Award – Given to the player whom never fails to make a scene on or off the kickball field
Julien Lyman, Pitches Be Crazy
The Justin Timberlake Smooth Operator Award – Given the player who most resembles our favorite Boy Band hold over. In this case she is smooth, courteous, and just flirty enough to leave you wondering if you’d ever have a chance to “tap that ass.”
Mel Castleberry, Suck My Kick
The John Belushi Institute for Cirrhosis Research Award – The team that goes out to the bar most
Hold My Beer, Watch This!
The Mothership Award – Like ESPN you’re sitting on top the of the beehive kickball world sipping Dom Perignon and sucking jello shots off strippers asses. And like ESPN you have a target on your back. From the league to you, watch out next week!
Aaron Hernandez Legal Team
The WAKA Memorial Award – We have some sad news to share, our friendly kickball rivals across the pond WAKA are dying. It’s terminal and while we send our condolensces we also like to recognize the great people we’ve found due to their passing.
Debbie Stabile, Highly Questionable
The Luke and Lea Skywalker Award – Given to the team this season that has had the most players on their team hook up with each other. The people, places and acts involved are all speculative and that’s the way we like it.
The Only Good Laker is a Salt Laker
The Barry White Sexual Chocolate Award – His words cut through us like butter. His lips look like two cashmere tootsie rolls. When we see him we’re instantly in need of a change of clothes. He is the sexy side of beehive.
Jared Ocana – Aaron Herneandez
The Barack Obama Award – He Doesn’t Need to Yell for people to listen. He doesn’t need to lift to be feared. He doesn’t need to ask to be offered another beer and He’d never be caught adding emoticons to his texts. We salute you sir.
Chris Wilder, Aces of Second Base;
The Mary Lou Hoo Big Heart Award – The show up every week smiling. They are a blast to hang out with. They don’t bitch at the referees and losing only makes us love them more. They are Pitch Slap!
Pitch Slap!;
The Utes beat Utah State and Probably will until we all die Award – Given to a team that supports each other and even if they stumble against they’re little brother one year immediately reasserts their dominance the next year. After all Utes belong on the battlefield. Farmer are better suited for the cornfields.
Balls Deep;
The Bob Sagat Award – Given to the team who appears to be a bunch of kind, upstanding members of society. Don’t be fooled, these people should not be trusted. They’re more dangerous than Aaron Hernandez with a grudge.
Highly Questionable
The Most Mysterious Man of Beehive Award – He taught RGIII how to run….and throw. And eagle once picked up his third shot on a par 5 and dropped it in the hole. In second grade he code the TI-89 calculator game Drug Wars. The trustee for his estate is a miniature horse. Aliens invaders asked him, to probe them. He is the most interesting man in Beehive Nation.
Bryant Rosalez, Couch Pulls Out
The Indie Rock Award – So hot right now, we like to pay tribute to the person who embodies a musical genre that is beautiful, mean, soft and agro all at the same time. It’s a mix that desereves an award and it’s human embodiment this season is….
Michelle Zimmerman; Pitches Be crazy
The RGII MVP Award – You’re in your 20s, you can through a football 80 yards and then catch up with in in the end zone. You have a sweet nickname and the adoration of millions. You’ll probably cure cancer and win a Super Bowl this year if you’re knee doesn’t snap like a twig. We love you…
Ted Thompson, Provo Dip;
The Redksins Team Name Award – Given to the team whose name offends entire nation of peoples yet they stick to it stubbornly like the chicken pox virus to a handful of gifted blankets. We approve of the name “My Couch Pulls Out But I Don’t” but whole heartedly endorse the name “Provo Dip” this season.
Provo Dip;
The LL Cool J Award – They struggled with a smile on their faces all summer and with the words of encouragement from their role model and captain swimming in their hearts they got their first win this season! They may never be the biggest name in the rap game and that’s perfectly fine with them. Look at that bod after all…damn.
Lesbihonest
The Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson Couples Award – They met in Beehive, they connected in left center field, they kissed behind home base and they probably had sex behind a dumpster in the Seven Peaks parking lot. They are both great people and we get dibs on naming their first child. Oh, and if you happen across a copy of that dumpster sex tape please forward it along.
Dylan Jones and Tere, KickFaced
The Desktop PC Award – We don’t know when the word desktop became associated with boring. Sure, you can’t take them with you on a plane, they don’t weigh less than 10 pounds, and you’d never see one named “Air.” But they have their own frills: 2 CD-RW slots, an audible humming noise and Windows 98 are nothing to cough at. They don’t make a lot of noise (except for that damn humming noise) but they’re built like a 2003 Nokia cellphone, solid.
Ball Breakers
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